The Secret Diary of Mick Aloha

I'm god-damned sick of the word avid

2012-01-12T05:25:00.000-08:00

I'm god-damned sick of the word 'avid'. I'm sick of people saying, "I'm an avid reader." You're an avid asshole is what you are. Reading the god-and-damned funnies on the shitter every morning doesn't make you an avid reader. Read a book, you avid halfwits. Avid. That's a stupid fucking word.

Oh, and Thomas Crapper did not invent the flush toilet. He invented taking a dump in a bag, placing it on someone's stoop, setting that shit on fire, and then ringing the doorbell. Get it right. I'm an avid trivia master.

You know what software I use to edit my movies? Final Cut Pro, and I god-the-damned hate macs.

Send me some money so I can be an avid liver of the sweet life.

Apocalypse averted again

2011-06-01T07:59:00.001-07:00

You're welcome. You're goddam welcome that there was no god damn apocalypse yesterday. That's right, you gave me money and I stopped the rapture. Well, bad news. Just got word...from Iehovah...that the apocalypse rapture ragnarok is coming at the end of summer. So, I guess that makes it the autumnal equinox, but I just like to call it pay day. You know the drill. Send me money or there'll be a rapture. I've stopped it before, I can stop it again.

Now, could you all stop sending me god damned pictures of your wieners? Mick Aloha is as straight as an arrow. Any of you ladies out there, feel free to send me pics. If you're hot, I mean. If you're a dude, I don't care how hot you are. No more pictures.

Rapture: May 31st, 2011

2011-05-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

Goddam rapture's coming again. I think I can stop it, but I'll need at least $100,000...Australian. OK, cheap ass U.S. dollars. Send in your money and watch me kick Jesus' ass at the end of May!

Goddam rapture

2011-05-21T04:13:00.000-07:00

Goddam rapture's coming in a few hours. Send me all of your money and I promise to stop it. If anyone holds back...

The birther issue

2011-04-28T04:52:00.000-07:00

Everyone's talking about Donald Trump and this birther issue, and Obama has just released his full birth certificate. I'm not convinced, though. Why hasn't he released the back of the thing? Huh? What about the back? Could be a treasure map on the back of there. Obama could be keeping all of that treasure for himself, when it should be I, Mick Aloha, who keeps it for himself. Where's the treasure, Obama? Well, I'm here to tell you the guessing is over. Through means that I cannot discuss, I've obtained the back of Obama's birth certificate. Let there be no doubt; we're in trouble.

Keep your thoughts and prayers to yourself

2011-02-24T06:43:00.000-08:00

There's been a lot of tragedy this week, so bad that I won't even joke about trying to profit from it. With this tragedy come plenty of opportunities for people to say "My thoughts and prayers are with " to which I say "Shut the fuck up and keep your thoughts and prayers to yourself." Seriously, I'm goddam sick of this shit. I'm goddam sick of people trying to show how much they care, how much they feel the pain of those who are suffering by just fucking thinking about it. That's not actually doing anything. You're not fucking helping at all. There's no god. There are no miracles. Positive thoughts do not travel through the ether and make everything ok. There's only us, and we have to help each other out when there's trouble. Shit like what's happened this week sucks, but the response, the real response-not your fucking happy thoughts-makes me feel that maybe as a species we're not totally fucked. Sure, we do terrible things to each other, but when we're in trouble people step up. So, if you want to do something, do it, and make sure it's something I can actually see, not some fucking thought experiment. Remember in The Firm when they billed people for time they were just thinking about the case? Same goddam thing. Exactly the same.

That's right, I said it; there's no god. Life is finite. Deal with it. Do you seriously think a god would create the universe and then base acceptance into paradise on belief in that god? Makes no sense at all. It's like me taking a cat, painting it red, sticking it in my closet (next to the hooker), and then telling you I won't pay for dinner unless you believe in my cat. It's exactly goddam like that. Fuck, how can you be so goddam gullible? Thousands of years ago, people believed in gods, and looking back we think "What a bunch of stupid bastards. They believed in that shit?" What will we look like to people thousands of years from now. "Hmm, within a couple of generations they split the atom and started the information age. Oh, and they believed in invisible friends." Fucking hell. Fuck this. I need a goddam drink.

Computers have already taken over

2011-02-19T07:18:00.000-08:00

Did you see that shit on Jeopardy? A goddam computer wiped the floor with two of the biggest nerds they've ever had on there. Scary shit. Too bad the son-of-a-bitch had to use refrigerator-sized servers to do it; I could have done the same goddam thing with just one refrigerator, full of ice cold Coca-Cola.

Everyone's pissing themselves and saying the world is ending because the computers are smarter than we are, and I say fuck it, maybe it is the end of the world and maybe it's time we made out before we become enslaved by goddam robots with goddam mechanical wangs.

With the computer/robot revolution coming, what good is your money? It's probably a burden on you. Let Mick Aloha take your burdens away. Give me your money. Let's go on an escapade.

Now, I'm off to study goddam binary.

I tip my hat (for you to put money into it)

2011-02-16T05:08:00.001-08:00

Hello there, Egypt. I hear you like freedom. Me, too. I love freedom, which to me means the freedom to do what I goddam please and get rich. TJ should have put that in the declaration. Everyone can get rich! But, if everyone's rich, who would I gloat over. Apoc, I guess. That fool would be the only poor person in a river of success and well-being. Here are some other things I love:

ladies (hot)
fries (hot)
hot, of-age girls who work at McDonald's or KFC
KFC
freedom
money
real estate
being correct
knowledge
The Spice Girls

So, Egypt, with all of this freedom, I guess you're going to need a new constitution. Mick Aloha has just the answer for you, and by has I mean 'pay me' and by answer I mean 'wiki.' That's right, by reading this answer you are obligated to pay me. If you don't have dollars, that's ok, I'll take gold, even ol' Tut's gold. I don't believe in curses. Hell, I'll take anything that's cursed or possessed from anyone. Just send it my way and I'll take it if it can be pawned or auctioned. Hell. That's a pretty good business plan. Don't steal it! Unless, that is, you want to open a franchise. UPDATE: I went ahead and got me a website started where people can send me cursed stuff and I can sell it. It's just a splash page, but soon it'll be up and I'll be raking in the jack.

Anyway, Egypt, just to be clear, by reading on you are pretty much agreeing to pay me. OK, ready for the solution to all of your problems? Wiki-tution. That's right, a goddam wiki-constitution. But wait, there's more. You could set it up so that it can only be edited by people in Egypt. Take that, America! Let the power of the crowd lay down the foundation for your free future. Oh, and if you like I can set up the wiki and host it under the Mick Aloha umbrella. Scoot over, Mike's Head Room, there's a new player in town, and this one pays in gold.

When are these goddam conservatives going to cut their own salaries?

2011-02-13T05:57:00.000-08:00

Hooray! The goddam conservatives are in control! That means more fiscal responsibility, which means less of me taking care of poor people. I'm all for it. Mick Aloha works hard to make his money. Why should he share it? Why should lazy assholes take money from Mick Aloha, the man who made it on his goddam own?

I was thinking this new congress might, in a gesture of doing all they can, vote to cut their own salaries. Most of them are goddam rich, anyway. Richer than Mick Aloha, which pisses me off. I did some checking and found that the legislation to do just that was already put forward in this congress...by Gabby Giffords. Yeah, she was shot two days later.

Cut your goddam salaries you goddam assholes. The country's hurting and you rich pricks don't even seem to notice it. Mick Aloha doesn't notice it, either, but Mick Aloha's a self-made man. Mick Aloha rules. Mick Aloha is the greatest man on the face of the earth, including the interior face of the hollow earth. Mick Aloha is better than the mole people. The goddam mole people have probably already cut their own goddam salaries.

So, what can be done? Well, if you're richer than Mick Aloha, you should send me money. If you're poorer than Mick Aloha, then shut the hell up and work harder. Oh, and if you're a hot lady, let's make out. And someone please, please call the Onion and get me a goddam cushy job.

Area man finds wang

2011-02-10T04:14:00.000-08:00

I guess there's a lot of money in fake news. The Onion's raking in the dough, so I thought I'd try a little something out. Consider this my audition for the Onion writing team. Onion, if you don't hire me based on this material, I'll have to start a competing fake news site and out-fake news you. Here are the latest headlines:

Area dog figures it's time to have sex again

Date with hooker going better than expected

Drunk man figures it all out

Area man joins church for the poon

Cat allergic to itself

Hippopotamus angry that no one ever uses its full name

Giraffe joins church for the poon

Trout, father of 289, still missing

Internet bored with itself

Bill Gates' belt cures malaria

Unionized moles refuse to wear helmets

Toys tired of not being taken seriously

Tax documents angry that no one ever plays with them

Area man disappointed by legitimate massage parlor

Area woman finds wang

Attention Lady Gaga: I hear you like meat

2010-09-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Lady Gaga,

I seen that meat dress you were wearing. If you like meat so much, then how about a bone?

Fuck PETA. PETA can kiss my goddam ass. She was wearing a dress made out of beef, not panda or goddam albatross. Who's to say that meat wasn't cooked up and eaten after the VMAs? Who's to say it wasn't I, Mick Aloha, who ate it? Who's to say I didn't eat that meat and then make out with Lady Gaga? She's probably the one to say that, and that's why I'm goddam pissed.

See, I have a theory. Have you seen that goddam movie with Jodie Foster where she switches bodies with a prostitute with a heart of gold and ends up an FBI agent on an airplane where her daughter disappeared and then she ends up in some ridiculous goddam room with no escape routes? Yeah, it reminds me of that movie. That guy who likes to keep girls in wells and tuck his junk is trying to use the skin of fat-ass girls to make his own girly skin or some shit like that. I can't remember, really. I seen that back in high school, and if you'd wrecked your truck and taken as many blows to the head as I have, you wouldn't remember a goddam thing. So, I think Lady Gaga wants to be a cow. It's ok, Lady Gaga. Mick Aloha doesn't mind. Get your cow on and all that. Cow-abunga, Lady Gaga. Wanna make out?

Before you say it, shut up. I know you're wondering why I want to make out with Lady Gaga. I know she's gross. But, let me be clear; I'd make out with pretty much any girl who didn't have a mustache. Actually, one night I made out with all kinds of girls who didn't have mustaches. Best night of my life. Worst night of my life? Same night.

So, Lady Gaga, I know it's tough being a celebrity and crazy, so here's an idea; put on that meat dress (or better yet, a similar dress with fresher cuts), and then get your hottest lady friend to put on a suit of fries. Then, have your second hottest friend put on a suit of Coca-Cola. Then, all of you ladies need to get really, really drunk (at your own expense), and then give me a call and we'll see what happens. Don't worry; I can TiVo my shows. Hell, I've got my own hotel room.

OK, now on to Cher. I hear you're 64 years-old. Despite your incredible age, I have to admit I liked seeing you dressed up like in that video on the ship that I watched a few thousand times. Really, you were never that much to look at, but, well, you're doable. There, I said it. Now, I know your outfit was sexy, but do you have anything that more closely resembles a Coca-Cola? Either way, if you're looking for a man half your age, and you don't mind pretty much supporting me for the rest of my life in a good-life fashion, let me know.

5 Ways I'm Going to Profit from the Oil Spill

2010-06-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

Everyone's crying about these oil-covered birds. Boo-goddam-hoo. I hate goddam birds. All they do is make noise and take dumps all over the place; they're like little Apocs with wings. Back where I'm from in Kentucky, we've got these goddam crows the size of two crows. I hate them. Everyday this week I seen those oil-covered birds on TV, and every goddam time I thought How can I make money off this oil spill? I have some ideas.

1. I'll get naked and pour motor oil all over my body. Four minutes later, I'll go out on the street, preferably during some busy time like "morning" or "late afternoon," and I'll sit there staring like a goddam oil-covered bird. As soon as someone comes up I'll say, "Give me some money, dude, this oil isn't going to wash itself off." Later on, I'll send a bill to BP. They'll be so busy paying out money over the next few decades they won't even notice. I'm hoping this method also helps me pick up chicks. "If you like those goddam oil-covered birds so much, then why don't you do me?"

2. Short BP stock. I don't goddam know how to goddam do that, so fuck that idea. Fuck it with motor oil.

3. Dress up like Jesus. Tell people on the street that I'm going down to the Gulf to fix the goddam devil oil spill. Collect money from people as I go. When I reach the Gulf, I'll sidestep Anderson Cooper and Bobby Jindal and walk on the goddam water. Then, when I get to the oil I'll slip. Then, I'll sue BP. I'll also turn water into gin sours.

4. Flood my apartment with oil. File a police report and tell those goddam dirty pigs that some rough looking "teenagers" did it and as they were running away they were talking about seeing the oil spill on the news. Sue BP and Mike Judge.

5. Forget the whole goddam thing, get drunk, and go to the strip club.

Don't forget to send me money. I need the good life. My fishing business is ruined.

comedy routine, hooker sensitivity, Sarah Palin

2010-01-15T05:54:00.000-08:00

I was looking for some great content on the web the other day and came across this site. I thought, "Wow, whoever wrote this is a goddamned genius. Superb. Indeed, superb." I was about halfway through reading this great content when I realized I'm the one who wrote it. I'm so awesome I amaze myself, which is how it should be. Then I thought, "Hell, might as well give the hungry masses a new post so they'll give me some money." Then I thought, "A gin sour's sounding pretty good right about now." I got drunk and woke up in a laundromat. I don't even use the laundromat, unless I need change for the Coke machine. You know, a Coke's sounding pretty good right about now. Anyway, here's a new post. Send me money.

What have I been doing since my last post? Working on my comedy routine, that's what I've been doing. Here's the only joke I've written so far. "What do synchronized swimmers and hookers have in common? 1) They both wear too much makeup. 2) They spend a lot of time with their legs up in the air. 3) They both fuck for money." But seriously, folks. Now, I just need to write about 50 more of those, ok, more like 30 if you factor in the laughter, to get me a Comedy Central special.

Speaking of hookers, do you think they get offended when people talk about dead hookers? You know, you're at a party and you're all, "Yeah, so anyway, dude, I used my disposable income to get myself a new Ford and you should see the trunk space. Do you know how many goddamn dead...oh, uh, cats I could get in that trunk?" See, the part where you changed is where your hooker friend walked up, and although you don't care too much if you offend her or not, you'd still like to do her.

Speaking of hookers and ladies I'd like to do, how about that Sarah Palin? She's landed herself a gig over on Fox News, which just teaches you that quitting pays. Why aren't they hiring me over at Fox? They could put on 24 hours of Aloha and the ratings would go through the roof. So anyway, ol' Palin was talking to Glenn Beck and he asked her who her favorite Founding Father was and she said, "All of them." That dumb bitch uses that same goddamn answer for every question.

Interviewer: In how many buildings in Wasilla have you made sweet love to Mick Aloha?

Sarah Palin: All of them.

Interviewer: How many members of that synchronized swimming team would you like to get it on, lesbian style, with?

Sarah Palin: All of them.

Interviewer: How much money should readers be sending to Mick Aloha?

Sarah Palin: All of them.

Favorite Founding Father is a goddamn easy question. Hell, I bet even the MMD could answer that one, and he's a goddamn Canadian. Here are Mick Aloha's favorite Founding Fathers in order.

1) Benjamin Franklin
2) Ulysses S. Grant
3) Andrew Jackson
4) Alexander Hamilton
5) Abraham Lincoln (not the penny, though)

Who don't I like? Washington. Unless I'm going to the strip club.

You've heard that there are trace amounts of cocaine on each $100 bill, but what about the non-trace amounts of Aloha's fingerprint on Franklins? Aloha takes cash. Send it my way. Make me rich! If you make me rich, maybe I'll stop stressing out about getting rich and my hives will go away for good. Dehive me, fools!

On giant chickens and saving the world

2009-05-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

I've had two great ideas recently. Actually, since I'm Mick Aloha, I've had about a million great ideas recently, but I'll share only a couple of them with you. If I shared all of them, your head would explode in a bad way.

Sometimes, I think about what I would do if I was in the Thunderdome and had to fight some fool to survive. I think, "What if I was in there with Darth Maul? What would I do?" I know what I'd do. I'd kick off the business ends of his double-bladed light saber and then put him in the figure-four. But, this isn't about that whoosy. This is about a giant chicken.

I love chicken. I mean, I love to eat chicken. Boxes are good. Buckets are better. But, what if I was in the Thunderdome and I had to fight a human-sized chicken? What would I do?

I think chickens, no matter how big they are, love chicken feed. So, I've decided to carry me around some chicken feed in my pockets wherever I go. I'll have to make room in my pockets among all of that disposable income, but I figure I can work something out. Anyway, I'll toss the chicken feed on the ground and wait for the giant chicken to peck. Then, I'll kick his legs out from under him, kick him in the beak, and then fry him up and serve him with mashed potatoes. Some KFC's sounding pretty good right about now.

My other idea is a way for you to survive and me to make money. Have you ever heard of the Plutonian Super Measles? Well, you should have. It's the most deadly...well, I was going to say virus, but it's not really a virus since it's alien. Pretty much what happens is this thing gets into you, messes around a bit, and then your cock falls off. That's right. The Plutonian Super Measles is a cock-killer, just like Drew Barrymore. Zing!

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Mick Aloha, I have all of this extra cash and I don't want to get the Plutonian Super Measles because I like my cock right where it is. What can I do?" I'm glad you asked. Well, you're in luck, as I, Mick Aloha, have developed a cure for the Plutonian Cock-killing Super Measles. For three easy payments of just $29.99 you can have this cure. Now, when it arrives and it looks like a half-eaten Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, don't worry. It's a medical disguise to trick the Plutonian Cock-killing Super Measles. Just eat what's left of it and your cock will stay right where it is, unless you're watching porn, in which case it might move a bit. I'm not responsible for that.

But wait! There's more! If you send me three easy payments of $29.99 in the next five minutes, you also get, absolutely free, a cock sticker that reads "Mick Aloha saved my cock and all I got was this lousy sticker." What a deal! That sticker's made in Germany, and you know those god damn krauts make good shit. So come on, don't delay, send me money and save your cock.

If you're a lady, I'm sorry, I can't help you. The effects of the Plutonian Cock-killing Super Measles on women are unknown. If you send me your picture, preferably in a bikini or naked, I'll get right to work on it, though.

Joe the Plumber sucks

2008-10-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

Everyone's talking about Joe the Plumber, but they should be talking about Mick the I.T. Guy. I have needs, too. Why is there so much attention on some rich plumber who already has the good life? Give me the good life, then talk about taxes. What about Mike the Fisherman? How about Apoc the Slacker? What about Slingblade the Blade Slinger? Has anyone considered HHH the Video Game Sales Representative, Student, and Pornographer? Does anyone care about the MMD, the Bollywood Star? How about the Evil King Macrocranios the Evil King? Give us some attention, fools.

Lots of people are talking about the economy, but what they should be talking about is my disposable income. That's what runs the economy. Warren Buffett+Bill Gates=chicken feed. Mick Aloha=important. Instead of following Wall Street, they should be following Mick Street. Did Aloha go to KFC today? Yes. Did he get himself a bucket and mashed potatoes? Correct. Okay then, the market's going up! Buy, buy, buy!

Speaking of donating to Mick Aloha to give me the good life, I know times are hard, but I don't care. Send me money, fools. It's the only way to save yourselves (and me).

Dear Madonna: I'll make out with you, but that's pretty much it

2008-10-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Madonna,

I seen on TV today that you're getting a divorce. I just want to let you know that I'll make out with you, but that's pretty much it. I know you're wondering how you can make out with Mick Aloha and then take it no further, but don't worry. If it starts to go further, I'll run away. See, I'm always looking for escape routes, Madonna, so it won't be a problem.

I don't know what you ever saw in Guy Ritchie, anyway. I seen two of his movies, and I didn't understand a god damn word anyone said. I couldn't even understand Brad Pitt, and he's a god damn American. Speaking of Brad Pitt, he and Angelina "Rode Hard" Aloha like to adopt babies from places no one wants to go, just like you. Maybe you could work your way into that relationship. Maybe they could make you their pet. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. Hmmm, Brangelina. How about Brangelinadonna? Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it, Madonna?

I also don't know what Guy Ritchie ever saw in you. Sure, you're dirty as hell, but that only goes so far. Eventually, you have to talk to each other. I bet your fake British accent drove him crazy. I bet he was all "Gorblimey! This 'ere sheila be trying to speak like a Brit. Pip pip! Tut tut! It's me bloody tea time!"

So, Madonna, take solace in the fact that you can now make out with me. I have to protect #1, and that's me, so nothing below the belt, thank you very much. Pip pip.

My interview with Sarah Palin, dude

2008-10-04T07:36:00.000-07:00

Well, it took me nearly a month, but I finally got an exclusive interview with Sarah Palin. Instead of providing full video or audio, I'm instead going to just show snippets of transcript. I don't know why, but that seems to be how the networks roll, dude, and I roll as they roll when it comes to journalism, except I'm awesome and they suck big donkey balls.

MA: Hello, thanks for joining me today.

SP: Thank you, Mick Aloha, you're awesome and I think I might be in love with you.

MA: I seen that, dude. So, please tell everyone your name, Sarah Palin.

SP: What do you mean, Mick?

MA: I mean, what's your name?

SP: Ah, name. Well, Mick, that's a very good question. Names are very important. Heck, hockey moms have to use names just like big wigs down in Washington. Shoot, when Vladamir Putin starts rearing his ugly head, no one's going to say "Hey, look at that giant head that belongs to the guy that we have no word to identify," oh, heck no, they're going to use his name. There are lots of names. George. That's a name. Fred. Louise. Louisa.

MA: Okay, but what's your name, Sarah Palin?

SP: Name? Well, let me tell you, as governor of Alaska, the great state of Alaska, there's an important, and very big and large, yes, there's a very large and enormous responsibility to use names.

MA: Goddam it. You use too many adjectives. Whenever someone asks you a question, you just spit out adjectives.

SP: That a very big, nasty lie.

MA: So, what's your favorite color?

SP: What do you mean?

MA: I mean choose a color.

SP: Oh, heck, I like all of them. I'd have to say all of them. You know, I'm just a regular old hockey mom from the great state of Alaska.

MA: Regular? I heard you're a millionaire.

SP: Oh, well, that's, you know, there, that's, uh, well, see, hockey mom, you know, there, executive.

MA: What makes you think you have the experience to be president?

SP: Yes, definitely.

MA: Damn it, it's not a yes/no question.

SP: Correct.

MA: Damn you, Palin. Now, you're using my line against me.

SP: Correct.

MA: What TV shows do you like?

SP: All of them.

MA: What's your favorite food?

SP: All of them.

MA: In detail, please tell me what you ate for breakfast this morning.

SP: Lots of things.

I had to walk out on my own interview there. I came back, though, and the rest of the interview is in safe keeping until I'm given the good life, just like Sarah Palin.

You say "appendectomy." I say "weight loss program."

2008-07-06T11:52:00.000-07:00

So, I had my appendix taken out this week. Everyone made a big deal about it, but really it's nothing. It's just getting rid of my weakest part. The old appendix must have been what was holding me back.

My appendectomy has gotten me to thinking. What else is there inside me that I don't need? At first, they told me they thought it was my gall bladder that was making my stomach hurt. If it was, I think they would have just taken it out. People can live without gall bladders, so why do I still have mine? I knew a guy in elementary school who had a 4-wheeler accident and lost his spleen. He seems to still be doing all right. It seems like there's all kinds of extra crap in there that I don't need. All you religious believers out there will need to explain this to me. Why would God build people with so much extra crap? And, why did he shortchange me down below? For that matter, why did evolution shortchange me? Everyone's shortchanging me, when they need to be longchanging me. They need to be longchanging me and longbilling me. Giving me bills, like 100's, not sending me bills, like utilities. I get enough of those.

What else should I have removed? What do you think? I'll both listen to and respect your opinions, as long as the cash comes in. No cash, no listen.

I was so impressed with myself I thought I'd mention it

2008-06-07T13:02:00.000-07:00

On the most recent episode of the Moon Masters, I talked about how great I am and how impressed I am by my own writing. I have to say I agree. I am great. I'm the greatest man who ever lived, and I've gotten some recognition from the one person whose opinion I trust and care about: me. Sometimes, I sit around on my pile of disposable income, watching me some TV, eating chicken out of a bucket, and thinking about how great I am. So, we all know who the greatest person is. Now, who's the best nation? Donation. That's right. You see the link, fools. This fine content doesn't come free. I deserve the good life and you can make it happen.

New group of hippies found

2008-05-30T13:28:00.000-07:00

I just read about a new tribe that was found in the Amazon that they think has had no contact with the outside world. You can read about it here. I don't really care about indigenous people, unless they're sending me money (or should I say tribute), but what caught my attention was that they live in communal huts. Communal? Sounds like someone I know. Come on, Dowell. You're all against civilization and capitalism, this sounds like the perfect hippy place for you. Maybe you and those naked savages can sit around all day and talk about how much you love sharing. Hell, I'll buy you the ticket if you want to go down there.

There's something wrong with that article. Those pictures they have of the natives were taken from an airplane. The natives are aiming their bows at the plane, so they must have seen it. So, I'm thinking they've had at least some contact with the outside world, namely that they've seen a big assed plane flying around. Myself, I don't believe this story one bit. It looks like something from that movie with that guy from Jaws. Speaking of Jaws, a hamburger's sounding pretty good right about now.

Where's my money?

2008-04-21T06:28:00.001-07:00

My birthday was yesterday. It was a fine opportunity for you to send me money, just to push me closer to the good life on my birthday. I haven't gotten any money at all from you fools. Stop holding out. I know you have money. I see you driving around in your hybrids. Sell that hybrid, get a Ford, and send me the difference. That's all I'm asking for here. The difference. That's all I need. Hmm, I should put that on a t-shirt. I'll have to do it before Jake steals the idea and I have to sue him. Come on, somebody let me sue you on my birthday. Do something stupid that I can sue you for. Slander me. Libel me. Punch me in the mouth. (but expect to meet the Big Boot afterward) "Oh, I'll sue the Big Boot." No, you won't. The Big Boot doesn't go to court. The Big Boot is not bound by your laws.

I'm sure some of you were thinking about sending me cards, but I don't want them. Cards are useless. Money's good. Some of you may have even been thinking about sending me an e-card. You might as well go take a dump on my car. It means about the same to me. Currency is all that will suffice, and 20's, 50's, and 100's are all that's sufficient. If you were thinking about sending a cake, know this: I don't want it. Take that cake money and send it to me. If you have a birthday coming up, send me that cake money, too. You probably don't need any cake, anyway.

Why doesn't everyone just speak English?

2008-03-27T11:30:00.000-07:00

I've been watching lots of anime and reading lots of manga recently. It got me to thinking a bit. Why doesn't everybody just speak English? If everyone just spoke English, then I wouldn't need subtitles. And, if everyone spoke English, then I could ask more people for donations, and the good life would be right in reach. Seriously, I need money. Money's the international language for allowing me to live the good life. I don't want to have to learn the Japanese for "Hey, brother, can you spare a wad of cash so I can live the good life?" So Mick Aloha's advice, and you know you want to take it, is if you hear someone speaking some heathen language, just step up and say, "Hey, buddy, speak English. It's okay. And, send Mick Aloha money. The end."

Over at the Moon Masters site, another place where you can donate, someone was saying that I don't talk about gin sours on this blog. I don't talk about air, either, but I still breathe it. You haven't seen me write word one over here about dead hookers, but if you looked in my trunk you'd...well, let's just say I drink gin sours like water and water like Coca Cola. Hmmm, a coke's sounding pretty good about now. Some fries wouldn't be too bad, either.

Send me money.

Thank you, and good day.

The Church of Mick Aloha

2008-03-21T07:50:00.001-07:00

The word is spreading.

Mick Aloha: Land Tycoon

2008-02-27T23:05:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking of picking up some real estate. I have enough disposable income for it, and I think now's as good a time as any to go ahead with the plan. I'm thinking about land in Kentucky and in California. It's a lot cheaper in Kentucky, but it's a lot closer in California. Why land, you might be asking. Well, some people say God's not making any more of it, but I don't believe in any gods or anyone who could make more of it, so there you go. Other atheists out there should be buying land, too. Also, atheists should send me money, so I can live the good life. You'll be blessed if you do. Actually, everyone should send me money, no matter how gullible you are. I need money.

New Year's Resolutions 2008

2008-01-25T07:57:00.000-08:00

One of my New Year's resolutions was to blog more, but I don't think that's going to happen. My greatness is going to have to trickle down, not flood down like I'm doing with the economy. Resolutions are stupid, anyway, because I'm already great. How could I get greater? Sure, I could get more disposable income--and I will--and I could live the good life--which I will--and I could take my world trip--first class--but...wait, I think those are my resolutions. Oh, and to kick more ass. I hope you're laughing, because that last one was a joke. It's not possible for me to kick more ass. Someone will have to find more asses. Better call Apoc...

Your next president

2007-11-13T05:44:00.000-08:00

Who will your next president be? It doesn't matter, because I'm running in 2012, and that's what's important. To get my campaign rolling, I need money. That's right, you need to send me currency, so I can start this train a-rolling. I prefer tens and twenties. Hundreds are good, too. I'll take foreign currency, too, as it's not from some hippy country. Things will be great in 2012 if you just start sending me money.

Art is stupid

2007-10-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

I hate art that doesn't look like anything. I can appreciate some paintings that look real, but I have no interest in looking at blobs and trying to figure out what they are. Blobs aren't art. Blobs are things that come out of the sink and eat people. That's not art.

my problem with religion

2007-10-12T18:46:00.000-07:00

My problem with religion is that all religions have gods that don't reveal themselves. Why create the universe and then hide away? If I were a god, which I just might be, I'd create the universe and then say "Hey, you stupid people better worship me or I'll blow your planet up. Yeah! Mick Aloha! Dude." That's how I'd do it. I wouldn't create the universe, drop hints, and hope people figure out I'm real when there are people in religions that believe in non-Mick Aloha gods. It's the same way when I order fries. I don't order fries and then hide under the table. No, I order fries, wait for them to come, and then eat them. Everyone knows where I am throughout the process.
Mick Aloha has spoken.

Tony Almeida

2007-10-01T08:13:00.000-07:00

So, I hear Tony Almeida's coming back to 24. Myself, I don't watch 24, but I know some people who do and they're pretty excited. I'm just wondering why they had to bring him back as a cyborg with a mechanical wang. Speaking of mechanical wangs, where can I get one? Seriously folks, it's tiny.

thoughts

2007-09-27T08:39:00.001-07:00

Today, I was thinking about how great I am. Every great thing I thought about myself was so true.

Fan Fiction

2007-09-12T07:56:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking recently about writing some Mentos commercial fan fiction. Maybe I should start a forum where people can post their Mentos commercial fan fiction. Who are those people in the limo? You'll just have to wait for me to post some of my fiction. This is the best idea I've come up with since the Ghost Molester, and that was a capital idea.

Where's my rebate, Apple?

2007-09-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you all know that Apple is offering rebates to people who bought the iPhone before the $200 price drop and I have to ask, where's the rebate for the copy of Tiger that I downloaded from Bit Torrent and ran on my PC? Mick Aloha needs a rebate, too, not just those dirty early adopting hippies. If you want to make nice with those hippies, give them a Clockwork Orange DVD and send the rebates my way. Now, I know everyone's wondering what Mick Aloha would do with Apple rebates, since I think Apple products are over-priced and over-hyped. I'd sell them, of course, and use the money I make for the good life, which I'm accustomed to living. I love the good life. I love money. Send it my way if you have any extra. Hookers, too. Send them if you've got them.

my first fan e-mail

2007-09-07T00:38:00.000-07:00

I got my first fan e-mail today. I expect everyone to love Mick Aloha, because I'm Mick Aloha, so it's nice to know the word is spreading. Although the message can be seen as negative, I'm still happy that the fans are reaching out and I look forward to many more messages in the future. Here's the message:

Mick Aloha,
You are an idiot. Do you really believe all of this stuff that you write? Are you really that full of yourself? As a woman, I'm offended by your misogyny; as a human, I'm offended by your existence. This blog makes the world a worse place to live in. Please stop.

Steph

Wow, that was a hard hitting message, Steph. My first question is: Are you hot? If so, I'd probably like to do you. My second question is: Can I get a happy ending with that misogyny?

Any other ladies who have a problem with me should send pictures along with your emails. The hotter you are, the more likely I am to read your message.

I'm offended by Jerry Lewis

2007-09-05T07:51:00.000-07:00

You've probably heard about Jerry Lewis using a slur during his telethon, and I'm quite offended. I'm offended not so much by the slur, but because he seems to think he's still funny. Also, where's the Mick Aloha telethon? How am I supposed to get the good life when Jerry's calling people fags and sending money to sick kids? Send it my way, Jerry. Mick Aloha needs to retire before he turns 35, and sending all of that money to those kids isn't helping me one bit. Hmmm, a telethon is sounding pretty good right about now. I might have to do my own telethon, so I can get the good life. I'll call it Mick Aloha's Good Life Telethon (MAGLiTe). Come on, give to the Maglite. Give me the good life.

Terror Birds

2007-08-31T09:16:00.000-07:00

I was reading about Terror Birds today on Wikipedia. Terror birds, more officially known as Phorusrhacids, were carnivorous birds in South America that are now extinct. Now, I tend to think if an animal goes extinct, it deserved it. It's a natural process and it clears out the weaker animals. I wish Terror Birds were still around, though, because I'd like to know what they taste like. I bet they weren't as good as chicken, but I'd like to know myself.

dirty hippies

2007-08-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's already time for Burning Man again. Every year around this time, I get the urge to go out to the Nevada desert and kick some hippy ass. Goddam dirty hippies. 40,000 hippies vs. one Mick Aloha= a fair fight. Okay, not really. Those hippies wouldn't have a chance. I read on the Internet, the greatest source of information ever, that someone set the big wooden man on fire early and all of the hippies are pissed off. Pick up a water hose if you don't like it, hippies. Oh yeah, I almost forgot that hippies are lazy-assed sons of bitches. The good news is there will be less traffic in Palo Alto this weekend, so my hooker run will be even faster than usual.

Looking out for the Iraq

2007-08-29T08:21:00.001-07:00

Have you seen the video of the girl talking about South Africa and The Iraq? If not, you're a dirty caveman, but here you go anyway.

Now, I know everyone thinks she's stupid and I've heard she's being humiliated all over the Internet, but I think she has a point. Why the fuck do South Africa and The Iraq have more maps than we do? America's number one, so we should be the number one haver of maps. I can't read a goddam map right now and you know why? That's right, I don't have one. Some commie in South Africa's navigating the tip of his index finger through Palo Alto as I try to figure out the fastest route to the closest Long John Silver's without going to Oakland. That's not right.

secret blog

2007-08-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome. I am Mick Aloha, but you may know me as the greatest man on earth. I'm tired of people writing bullshit on their blogs that I don't care about, so I started this blog so I can write about my favorite topic. Me. Why don't I just blog on my personal website (www.mickaloha.com)? Because fuck you, that's why. I'm Mick Aloha. I can do whatever I want. I can say fuck you and your ugly momma and there's nothing you can do about it, unless you like boot in your face.

Well, welcome to the blog.