No, I will not give you money for your art

I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of people begging for money to fund their "art." Oh, poor me, I'm a tortured artist. I was born to make art, so give me some money so I can make art. Fuck you. Get a fucking job, you fucking hippie. How many people get to make art full-time as a job? Not many. What can you do in the meantime? Get a fucking job and do your art when you're not at your fucking job. You know what you shouldn't do? Get all over social media begging for a fucking gofundme or some such shit so that you can put on a fucking show. Fuck you. Maybe your art sucks ass.

Look, I do have some sympathy for these people. Myself, if I could I would kick ass all day every day. It would be my full-time job. Mick Aloha, ass kicker. Kicking ass is rewarding, but it doesn't pay the bills. That's why I have a fucking job and kick ass in my free time, like after work, weekends, and sometimes while I'm at working staring at the fucking goddamn computer screen. I wish I could just focus on kicking ass. It's what I was born to do! Oh, please, send me some fucking money so I can kick ass all the time and not work. That's not sarcasm. Send me some goddamn money!

World Cup? I prefer a D Cup.

Did you like that title? You should have. I made a joke. A Mick Aloha joke. Those are the best jokes. Here's another one for you...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Give me your money!

That one still gets to me no matter how many times I tell it. Here's another...

Knocker knocker.
Who's there?
Show me your knockers!

Let me tell you about this idea I once had. If you like it, send me a dollar, and by dollar, I mean ten dollars. Twenty. Twenty dollars.

So, my idea was you're at the pool relaxing just minding your own business when you spot a hottie. Now, the hottie is wearing a bikini and laying facedown on one of those pool chairs that lie flat. Another detail is that this hottie has undone the back of her bra...I mean bikini top...so that she can get an even tan on her back. So, my big idea was to go over and grab her ass. Now, I know what you're thinking, let me stop you there. You're thinking "That's such a great idea, why didn't I think of it?" Well, you're right, it is a great idea. You didn't think of it because I'm me and you're not and I rule and you should send me your money. See you in the next paragraph.

All right, so you grab her ass and what happens next? Well, if she's startled, she'll jump up and you'll get the show of your life. The other possibility is that she'll realize the dangers of jumping up quickly and start refastening her bra...I mean bikini top. At that point, you should run. Actually, in either case you should run. Worst case scenario is you get to grab her ass. Best case is ass grab and a show.

I've been thinking about this. Worst case is probably jail, which is a place I don't want to go to. Respect women, you bunch of filthy assholes. Forget I even told you my secret thoughts.

Let's end on a joke. My wiener.

Seth Rogen pushed me into the arms of North Korea

Dear Best Korea,

After years of disagreeing, we can finally agree on something: Seth Rogen sucks donkey big balls. Let's just say when Eeyore sees Seth Rogen rolling up the street, he fucking runs his ass off in the other direction and complains about it the whole time. "Son...of...a...bitch...makes...shit...movies. Guess I'm...going...to...off...myself. So................long." Fucking Eeyore. Anyway, yes, we both hate Seth Rogen. Congratulations, Best Korea, you're now on my level. You're on Mick Aloha's hate level. Player don't hate! (unless you're talking about Seth Rogen) More like Seth Rogaine, am I right? Shit. 

Mick Aloha reads the news, and recently he read that North Korea will go to war with the U.S. if the Seth Rogen/James Franco romantic travel comedy about assassinating your leader hits theaters. I think it's called "The Interview", which, if you ask Mick Aloha, is a pretty lame name for a movie. Should be called "Super Assassinate: Part 1." Now, I know you're frustrated, Best Korea. You might not be thinking clearly. I understand. Aloha zones out sometimes, too, and wakes up in a path of mayhem. Pay attention, now. This is important. Let me put it in all caps so you can tell I'm screaming. SETH ROGEN IS A GODDAMNED HIPPY CANADIAN. Both directors of that film are Canadian. Sure, James Franco is American, but no one likes him any more after he tried to tap that underage monkey that learned to talk and text. So, don't get all pissed off at us for something a fucking Canadian did. Blame Canada! Blame fucking Canada.

Also, I have a business proposition. Funny t-shirts. I send you funny t-shirts with crazy English written on them and you send me cold hard cash. None of that fake stuff, either! I heard you like to print your own U.S. currency. I like the way you think, but that shit don't fly with Aloha. Send me money, and I'll send you t-shirts. Oh, and if you have any hotties over there who like disposable income and putting out, let me know.

I blame Hawaii

Edward Snowden had a cushy job in Hawaii with a stripper girlfriend and decided to leak secrets about the NSA spying on everyone because...well, I'm not really sure why he did it. I guess he thought everyone should know what the government was doing. Here's what Mick Aloha thinks. Why would you give that up? He was making more money than Mick Aloha makes. That's crazy! Mick Aloha's goddamned rich. He had a stripper girlfriend. Now, Mick Aloha's had plenty of strippers...dance for him for money. So, why would he really give this all up? I blame Hawaii. He was probably banging his stripper girlfriend one night, watching the sun set over a volcano, and realized "This place is goddamned boring. I'd better leak some secrets, head my ass on over to Hong Kong, hang out in the Moscow airport for a month, and then hang out in goddamned Russia for the rest of my life. Only Hawaii could drive someone to go to Russia. Now, I'm wondering about his stripper girlfriend. I'm worried about her. Does this mean she's now single? Mick Aloha has plenty of disposable income...in ones. Got plenty of ones, girl! Come on up to Boston!

=

With all of this talk of equality, Mick Aloha's been thinking a lot lately about his favorite thing. Inequality. As in, I have more than you do. That's a goddamned fine idea, this inequality. It allows me to live the good life while you're toiling away like a goddamned drone. Speaking of drones, don't drone me, bro. When I see all of this drone business on the news, it just makes me think I need to get in on this business. I could make some goddamned drones and sell them. That's where the money is. Now, don't you do it, too. I don't need competition bringing prices down. The name I wanted...Predator...is already taken, so I might have to call mine the Carl Weathers Drone. Sombitch sucker punches you and then...goddamn it, I have a brilliant idea. Use drones to rob people. Goddamn it, that's brilliant. Gotta get me a drone. If I could get me a drone with legs I could rob houses. I could rob goddamn gay weddings. Get married all you want! Just make sure your weddings are elaborate. Speaking of sending me your money, send me your money.

I'm god-damned sick of the word avid

I'm god-damned sick of the word 'avid'. I'm sick of people saying, "I'm an avid reader." You're an avid asshole is what you are. Reading the god-and-damned funnies on the shitter every morning doesn't make you an avid reader. Read a book, you avid halfwits. Avid. That's a stupid fucking word.

Oh, and Thomas Crapper did not invent the flush toilet. He invented taking a dump in a bag, placing it on someone's stoop, setting that shit on fire, and then ringing the doorbell. Get it right. I'm an avid trivia master.

You know what software I use to edit my movies? Final Cut Pro, and I god-the-damned hate macs.

Send me some money so I can be an avid liver of the sweet life.

Apocalypse averted again

You're welcome. You're goddam welcome that there was no god damn apocalypse yesterday. That's right, you gave me money and I stopped the rapture. Well, bad news. Just got word...from Iehovah...that the apocalypse rapture ragnarok is coming at the end of summer. So, I guess that makes it the autumnal equinox, but I just like to call it pay day. You know the drill. Send me money or there'll be a rapture. I've stopped it before, I can stop it again.

Now, could you all stop sending me god damned pictures of your wieners? Mick Aloha is as straight as an arrow. Any of you ladies out there, feel free to send me pics. If you're hot, I mean. If you're a dude, I don't care how hot you are. No more pictures.