You're welcome. You're goddam welcome that there was no god damn apocalypse yesterday. That's right, you gave me money and I stopped the rapture. Well, bad news. Just got word...from Iehovah...that the apocalypse rapture ragnarok is coming at the end of summer. So, I guess that makes it the autumnal equinox, but I just like to call it pay day. You know the drill. Send me money or there'll be a rapture. I've stopped it before, I can stop it again.
Now, could you all stop sending me god damned pictures of your wieners? Mick Aloha is as straight as an arrow. Any of you ladies out there, feel free to send me pics. If you're hot, I mean. If you're a dude, I don't care how hot you are. No more pictures.
Showing posts with label Mick Aloha is an awesome world saver. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mick Aloha is an awesome world saver. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
On giant chickens and saving the world
I've had two great ideas recently. Actually, since I'm Mick Aloha, I've had about a million great ideas recently, but I'll share only a couple of them with you. If I shared all of them, your head would explode in a bad way.
Sometimes, I think about what I would do if I was in the Thunderdome and had to fight some fool to survive. I think, "What if I was in there with Darth Maul? What would I do?" I know what I'd do. I'd kick off the business ends of his double-bladed light saber and then put him in the figure-four. But, this isn't about that whoosy. This is about a giant chicken.
I love chicken. I mean, I love to eat chicken. Boxes are good. Buckets are better. But, what if I was in the Thunderdome and I had to fight a human-sized chicken? What would I do?
I think chickens, no matter how big they are, love chicken feed. So, I've decided to carry me around some chicken feed in my pockets wherever I go. I'll have to make room in my pockets among all of that disposable income, but I figure I can work something out. Anyway, I'll toss the chicken feed on the ground and wait for the giant chicken to peck. Then, I'll kick his legs out from under him, kick him in the beak, and then fry him up and serve him with mashed potatoes. Some KFC's sounding pretty good right about now.
My other idea is a way for you to survive and me to make money. Have you ever heard of the Plutonian Super Measles? Well, you should have. It's the most deadly...well, I was going to say virus, but it's not really a virus since it's alien. Pretty much what happens is this thing gets into you, messes around a bit, and then your cock falls off. That's right. The Plutonian Super Measles is a cock-killer, just like Drew Barrymore. Zing!
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Mick Aloha, I have all of this extra cash and I don't want to get the Plutonian Super Measles because I like my cock right where it is. What can I do?" I'm glad you asked. Well, you're in luck, as I, Mick Aloha, have developed a cure for the Plutonian Cock-killing Super Measles. For three easy payments of just $29.99 you can have this cure. Now, when it arrives and it looks like a half-eaten Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, don't worry. It's a medical disguise to trick the Plutonian Cock-killing Super Measles. Just eat what's left of it and your cock will stay right where it is, unless you're watching porn, in which case it might move a bit. I'm not responsible for that.
But wait! There's more! If you send me three easy payments of $29.99 in the next five minutes, you also get, absolutely free, a cock sticker that reads "Mick Aloha saved my cock and all I got was this lousy sticker." What a deal! That sticker's made in Germany, and you know those god damn krauts make good shit. So come on, don't delay, send me money and save your cock.
If you're a lady, I'm sorry, I can't help you. The effects of the Plutonian Cock-killing Super Measles on women are unknown. If you send me your picture, preferably in a bikini or naked, I'll get right to work on it, though.
Sometimes, I think about what I would do if I was in the Thunderdome and had to fight some fool to survive. I think, "What if I was in there with Darth Maul? What would I do?" I know what I'd do. I'd kick off the business ends of his double-bladed light saber and then put him in the figure-four. But, this isn't about that whoosy. This is about a giant chicken.
I love chicken. I mean, I love to eat chicken. Boxes are good. Buckets are better. But, what if I was in the Thunderdome and I had to fight a human-sized chicken? What would I do?
I think chickens, no matter how big they are, love chicken feed. So, I've decided to carry me around some chicken feed in my pockets wherever I go. I'll have to make room in my pockets among all of that disposable income, but I figure I can work something out. Anyway, I'll toss the chicken feed on the ground and wait for the giant chicken to peck. Then, I'll kick his legs out from under him, kick him in the beak, and then fry him up and serve him with mashed potatoes. Some KFC's sounding pretty good right about now.
My other idea is a way for you to survive and me to make money. Have you ever heard of the Plutonian Super Measles? Well, you should have. It's the most deadly...well, I was going to say virus, but it's not really a virus since it's alien. Pretty much what happens is this thing gets into you, messes around a bit, and then your cock falls off. That's right. The Plutonian Super Measles is a cock-killer, just like Drew Barrymore. Zing!
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Mick Aloha, I have all of this extra cash and I don't want to get the Plutonian Super Measles because I like my cock right where it is. What can I do?" I'm glad you asked. Well, you're in luck, as I, Mick Aloha, have developed a cure for the Plutonian Cock-killing Super Measles. For three easy payments of just $29.99 you can have this cure. Now, when it arrives and it looks like a half-eaten Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, don't worry. It's a medical disguise to trick the Plutonian Cock-killing Super Measles. Just eat what's left of it and your cock will stay right where it is, unless you're watching porn, in which case it might move a bit. I'm not responsible for that.
But wait! There's more! If you send me three easy payments of $29.99 in the next five minutes, you also get, absolutely free, a cock sticker that reads "Mick Aloha saved my cock and all I got was this lousy sticker." What a deal! That sticker's made in Germany, and you know those god damn krauts make good shit. So come on, don't delay, send me money and save your cock.
If you're a lady, I'm sorry, I can't help you. The effects of the Plutonian Cock-killing Super Measles on women are unknown. If you send me your picture, preferably in a bikini or naked, I'll get right to work on it, though.
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