Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Rapture: May 31st, 2011
Goddam rapture's coming again. I think I can stop it, but I'll need at least $100,000...Australian. OK, cheap ass U.S. dollars. Send in your money and watch me kick Jesus' ass at the end of May!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Goddam rapture
Goddam rapture's coming in a few hours. Send me all of your money and I promise to stop it. If anyone holds back...
Friday, January 15, 2010
comedy routine, hooker sensitivity, Sarah Palin
I was looking for some great content on the web the other day and came across this site. I thought, "Wow, whoever wrote this is a goddamned genius. Superb. Indeed, superb." I was about halfway through reading this great content when I realized I'm the one who wrote it. I'm so awesome I amaze myself, which is how it should be. Then I thought, "Hell, might as well give the hungry masses a new post so they'll give me some money." Then I thought, "A gin sour's sounding pretty good right about now." I got drunk and woke up in a laundromat. I don't even use the laundromat, unless I need change for the Coke machine. You know, a Coke's sounding pretty good right about now. Anyway, here's a new post. Send me money.
What have I been doing since my last post? Working on my comedy routine, that's what I've been doing. Here's the only joke I've written so far. "What do synchronized swimmers and hookers have in common? 1) They both wear too much makeup. 2) They spend a lot of time with their legs up in the air. 3) They both fuck for money." But seriously, folks. Now, I just need to write about 50 more of those, ok, more like 30 if you factor in the laughter, to get me a Comedy Central special.
Speaking of hookers, do you think they get offended when people talk about dead hookers? You know, you're at a party and you're all, "Yeah, so anyway, dude, I used my disposable income to get myself a new Ford and you should see the trunk space. Do you know how many goddamn dead...oh, uh, cats I could get in that trunk?" See, the part where you changed is where your hooker friend walked up, and although you don't care too much if you offend her or not, you'd still like to do her.
Speaking of hookers and ladies I'd like to do, how about that Sarah Palin? She's landed herself a gig over on Fox News, which just teaches you that quitting pays. Why aren't they hiring me over at Fox? They could put on 24 hours of Aloha and the ratings would go through the roof. So anyway, ol' Palin was talking to Glenn Beck and he asked her who her favorite Founding Father was and she said, "All of them." That dumb bitch uses that same goddamn answer for every question.
Interviewer: In how many buildings in Wasilla have you made sweet love to Mick Aloha?
Sarah Palin: All of them.
Interviewer: How many members of that synchronized swimming team would you like to get it on, lesbian style, with?
Sarah Palin: All of them.
Interviewer: How much money should readers be sending to Mick Aloha?
Sarah Palin: All of them.
Favorite Founding Father is a goddamn easy question. Hell, I bet even the MMD could answer that one, and he's a goddamn Canadian. Here are Mick Aloha's favorite Founding Fathers in order.
1) Benjamin Franklin
2) Ulysses S. Grant
3) Andrew Jackson
4) Alexander Hamilton
5) Abraham Lincoln (not the penny, though)
Who don't I like? Washington. Unless I'm going to the strip club.
You've heard that there are trace amounts of cocaine on each $100 bill, but what about the non-trace amounts of Aloha's fingerprint on Franklins? Aloha takes cash. Send it my way. Make me rich! If you make me rich, maybe I'll stop stressing out about getting rich and my hives will go away for good. Dehive me, fools!
What have I been doing since my last post? Working on my comedy routine, that's what I've been doing. Here's the only joke I've written so far. "What do synchronized swimmers and hookers have in common? 1) They both wear too much makeup. 2) They spend a lot of time with their legs up in the air. 3) They both fuck for money." But seriously, folks. Now, I just need to write about 50 more of those, ok, more like 30 if you factor in the laughter, to get me a Comedy Central special.
Speaking of hookers, do you think they get offended when people talk about dead hookers? You know, you're at a party and you're all, "Yeah, so anyway, dude, I used my disposable income to get myself a new Ford and you should see the trunk space. Do you know how many goddamn dead...oh, uh, cats I could get in that trunk?" See, the part where you changed is where your hooker friend walked up, and although you don't care too much if you offend her or not, you'd still like to do her.
Speaking of hookers and ladies I'd like to do, how about that Sarah Palin? She's landed herself a gig over on Fox News, which just teaches you that quitting pays. Why aren't they hiring me over at Fox? They could put on 24 hours of Aloha and the ratings would go through the roof. So anyway, ol' Palin was talking to Glenn Beck and he asked her who her favorite Founding Father was and she said, "All of them." That dumb bitch uses that same goddamn answer for every question.
Interviewer: In how many buildings in Wasilla have you made sweet love to Mick Aloha?
Sarah Palin: All of them.
Interviewer: How many members of that synchronized swimming team would you like to get it on, lesbian style, with?
Sarah Palin: All of them.
Interviewer: How much money should readers be sending to Mick Aloha?
Sarah Palin: All of them.
Favorite Founding Father is a goddamn easy question. Hell, I bet even the MMD could answer that one, and he's a goddamn Canadian. Here are Mick Aloha's favorite Founding Fathers in order.
1) Benjamin Franklin
2) Ulysses S. Grant
3) Andrew Jackson
4) Alexander Hamilton
5) Abraham Lincoln (not the penny, though)
Who don't I like? Washington. Unless I'm going to the strip club.
You've heard that there are trace amounts of cocaine on each $100 bill, but what about the non-trace amounts of Aloha's fingerprint on Franklins? Aloha takes cash. Send it my way. Make me rich! If you make me rich, maybe I'll stop stressing out about getting rich and my hives will go away for good. Dehive me, fools!
Friday, October 17, 2008
Joe the Plumber sucks
Everyone's talking about Joe the Plumber, but they should be talking about Mick the I.T. Guy. I have needs, too. Why is there so much attention on some rich plumber who already has the good life? Give me the good life, then talk about taxes. What about Mike the Fisherman? How about Apoc the Slacker? What about Slingblade the Blade Slinger? Has anyone considered HHH the Video Game Sales Representative, Student, and Pornographer? Does anyone care about the MMD, the Bollywood Star? How about the Evil King Macrocranios the Evil King? Give us some attention, fools.
Lots of people are talking about the economy, but what they should be talking about is my disposable income. That's what runs the economy. Warren Buffett+Bill Gates=chicken feed. Mick Aloha=important. Instead of following Wall Street, they should be following Mick Street. Did Aloha go to KFC today? Yes. Did he get himself a bucket and mashed potatoes? Correct. Okay then, the market's going up! Buy, buy, buy!
Speaking of donating to Mick Aloha to give me the good life, I know times are hard, but I don't care. Send me money, fools. It's the only way to save yourselves (and me).
Lots of people are talking about the economy, but what they should be talking about is my disposable income. That's what runs the economy. Warren Buffett+Bill Gates=chicken feed. Mick Aloha=important. Instead of following Wall Street, they should be following Mick Street. Did Aloha go to KFC today? Yes. Did he get himself a bucket and mashed potatoes? Correct. Okay then, the market's going up! Buy, buy, buy!
Speaking of donating to Mick Aloha to give me the good life, I know times are hard, but I don't care. Send me money, fools. It's the only way to save yourselves (and me).
Monday, April 21, 2008
Where's my money?
My birthday was yesterday. It was a fine opportunity for you to send me money, just to push me closer to the good life on my birthday. I haven't gotten any money at all from you fools. Stop holding out. I know you have money. I see you driving around in your hybrids. Sell that hybrid, get a Ford, and send me the difference. That's all I'm asking for here. The difference. That's all I need. Hmm, I should put that on a t-shirt. I'll have to do it before Jake steals the idea and I have to sue him. Come on, somebody let me sue you on my birthday. Do something stupid that I can sue you for. Slander me. Libel me. Punch me in the mouth. (but expect to meet the Big Boot afterward) "Oh, I'll sue the Big Boot." No, you won't. The Big Boot doesn't go to court. The Big Boot is not bound by your laws.
I'm sure some of you were thinking about sending me cards, but I don't want them. Cards are useless. Money's good. Some of you may have even been thinking about sending me an e-card. You might as well go take a dump on my car. It means about the same to me. Currency is all that will suffice, and 20's, 50's, and 100's are all that's sufficient. If you were thinking about sending a cake, know this: I don't want it. Take that cake money and send it to me. If you have a birthday coming up, send me that cake money, too. You probably don't need any cake, anyway.
I'm sure some of you were thinking about sending me cards, but I don't want them. Cards are useless. Money's good. Some of you may have even been thinking about sending me an e-card. You might as well go take a dump on my car. It means about the same to me. Currency is all that will suffice, and 20's, 50's, and 100's are all that's sufficient. If you were thinking about sending a cake, know this: I don't want it. Take that cake money and send it to me. If you have a birthday coming up, send me that cake money, too. You probably don't need any cake, anyway.
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