Where's my money?

My birthday was yesterday. It was a fine opportunity for you to send me money, just to push me closer to the good life on my birthday. I haven't gotten any money at all from you fools. Stop holding out. I know you have money. I see you driving around in your hybrids. Sell that hybrid, get a Ford, and send me the difference. That's all I'm asking for here. The difference. That's all I need. Hmm, I should put that on a t-shirt. I'll have to do it before Jake steals the idea and I have to sue him. Come on, somebody let me sue you on my birthday. Do something stupid that I can sue you for. Slander me. Libel me. Punch me in the mouth. (but expect to meet the Big Boot afterward) "Oh, I'll sue the Big Boot." No, you won't. The Big Boot doesn't go to court. The Big Boot is not bound by your laws.

I'm sure some of you were thinking about sending me cards, but I don't want them. Cards are useless. Money's good. Some of you may have even been thinking about sending me an e-card. You might as well go take a dump on my car. It means about the same to me. Currency is all that will suffice, and 20's, 50's, and 100's are all that's sufficient. If you were thinking about sending a cake, know this: I don't want it. Take that cake money and send it to me. If you have a birthday coming up, send me that cake money, too. You probably don't need any cake, anyway.