Everyone's crying about these oil-covered birds. Boo-goddam-hoo. I hate goddam birds. All they do is make noise and take dumps all over the place; they're like little Apocs with wings. Back where I'm from in Kentucky, we've got these goddam crows the size of two crows. I hate them. Everyday this week I seen those oil-covered birds on TV, and every goddam time I thought How can I make money off this oil spill? I have some ideas.
1. I'll get naked and pour motor oil all over my body. Four minutes later, I'll go out on the street, preferably during some busy time like "morning" or "late afternoon," and I'll sit there staring like a goddam oil-covered bird. As soon as someone comes up I'll say, "Give me some money, dude, this oil isn't going to wash itself off." Later on, I'll send a bill to BP. They'll be so busy paying out money over the next few decades they won't even notice. I'm hoping this method also helps me pick up chicks. "If you like those goddam oil-covered birds so much, then why don't you do me?"
2. Short BP stock. I don't goddam know how to goddam do that, so fuck that idea. Fuck it with motor oil.
3. Dress up like Jesus. Tell people on the street that I'm going down to the Gulf to fix the goddam devil oil spill. Collect money from people as I go. When I reach the Gulf, I'll sidestep Anderson Cooper and Bobby Jindal and walk on the goddam water. Then, when I get to the oil I'll slip. Then, I'll sue BP. I'll also turn water into gin sours.
4. Flood my apartment with oil. File a police report and tell those goddam dirty pigs that some rough looking "teenagers" did it and as they were running away they were talking about seeing the oil spill on the news. Sue BP and Mike Judge.
5. Forget the whole goddam thing, get drunk, and go to the strip club.
Don't forget to send me money. I need the good life. My fishing business is ruined.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
