Your next president

Who will your next president be? It doesn't matter, because I'm running in 2012, and that's what's important. To get my campaign rolling, I need money. That's right, you need to send me currency, so I can start this train a-rolling. I prefer tens and twenties. Hundreds are good, too. I'll take foreign currency, too, as it's not from some hippy country. Things will be great in 2012 if you just start sending me money.

Art is stupid

I hate art that doesn't look like anything. I can appreciate some paintings that look real, but I have no interest in looking at blobs and trying to figure out what they are. Blobs aren't art. Blobs are things that come out of the sink and eat people. That's not art.

my problem with religion

My problem with religion is that all religions have gods that don't reveal themselves. Why create the universe and then hide away? If I were a god, which I just might be, I'd create the universe and then say "Hey, you stupid people better worship me or I'll blow your planet up. Yeah! Mick Aloha! Dude." That's how I'd do it. I wouldn't create the universe, drop hints, and hope people figure out I'm real when there are people in religions that believe in non-Mick Aloha gods. It's the same way when I order fries. I don't order fries and then hide under the table. No, I order fries, wait for them to come, and then eat them. Everyone knows where I am throughout the process.
Mick Aloha has spoken.

Tony Almeida

So, I hear Tony Almeida's coming back to 24. Myself, I don't watch 24, but I know some people who do and they're pretty excited. I'm just wondering why they had to bring him back as a cyborg with a mechanical wang. Speaking of mechanical wangs, where can I get one? Seriously folks, it's tiny.

thoughts

Today, I was thinking about how great I am. Every great thing I thought about myself was so true.

Fan Fiction

I've been thinking recently about writing some Mentos commercial fan fiction. Maybe I should start a forum where people can post their Mentos commercial fan fiction. Who are those people in the limo? You'll just have to wait for me to post some of my fiction. This is the best idea I've come up with since the Ghost Molester, and that was a capital idea.

Where's my rebate, Apple?

I'm sure you all know that Apple is offering rebates to people who bought the iPhone before the $200 price drop and I have to ask, where's the rebate for the copy of Tiger that I downloaded from Bit Torrent and ran on my PC? Mick Aloha needs a rebate, too, not just those dirty early adopting hippies. If you want to make nice with those hippies, give them a Clockwork Orange DVD and send the rebates my way. Now, I know everyone's wondering what Mick Aloha would do with Apple rebates, since I think Apple products are over-priced and over-hyped. I'd sell them, of course, and use the money I make for the good life, which I'm accustomed to living. I love the good life. I love money. Send it my way if you have any extra. Hookers, too. Send them if you've got them.

my first fan e-mail

I got my first fan e-mail today. I expect everyone to love Mick Aloha, because I'm Mick Aloha, so it's nice to know the word is spreading. Although the message can be seen as negative, I'm still happy that the fans are reaching out and I look forward to many more messages in the future. Here's the message:

Mick Aloha,
You are an idiot. Do you really believe all of this stuff that you write? Are you really that full of yourself? As a woman, I'm offended by your misogyny; as a human, I'm offended by your existence. This blog makes the world a worse place to live in. Please stop.

Steph

Wow, that was a hard hitting message, Steph. My first question is: Are you hot? If so, I'd probably like to do you. My second question is: Can I get a happy ending with that misogyny?

Any other ladies who have a problem with me should send pictures along with your emails. The hotter you are, the more likely I am to read your message.

I'm offended by Jerry Lewis

You've probably heard about Jerry Lewis using a slur during his telethon, and I'm quite offended. I'm offended not so much by the slur, but because he seems to think he's still funny. Also, where's the Mick Aloha telethon? How am I supposed to get the good life when Jerry's calling people fags and sending money to sick kids? Send it my way, Jerry. Mick Aloha needs to retire before he turns 35, and sending all of that money to those kids isn't helping me one bit. Hmmm, a telethon is sounding pretty good right about now. I might have to do my own telethon, so I can get the good life. I'll call it Mick Aloha's Good Life Telethon (MAGLiTe). Come on, give to the Maglite. Give me the good life.

Terror Birds

I was reading about Terror Birds today on Wikipedia. Terror birds, more officially known as Phorusrhacids, were carnivorous birds in South America that are now extinct. Now, I tend to think if an animal goes extinct, it deserved it. It's a natural process and it clears out the weaker animals. I wish Terror Birds were still around, though, because I'd like to know what they taste like. I bet they weren't as good as chicken, but I'd like to know myself.

dirty hippies

I can't believe it's already time for Burning Man again. Every year around this time, I get the urge to go out to the Nevada desert and kick some hippy ass. Goddam dirty hippies. 40,000 hippies vs. one Mick Aloha= a fair fight. Okay, not really. Those hippies wouldn't have a chance. I read on the Internet, the greatest source of information ever, that someone set the big wooden man on fire early and all of the hippies are pissed off. Pick up a water hose if you don't like it, hippies. Oh yeah, I almost forgot that hippies are lazy-assed sons of bitches. The good news is there will be less traffic in Palo Alto this weekend, so my hooker run will be even faster than usual.

Looking out for the Iraq

Have you seen the video of the girl talking about South Africa and The Iraq? If not, you're a dirty caveman, but here you go anyway.



Now, I know everyone thinks she's stupid and I've heard she's being humiliated all over the Internet, but I think she has a point. Why the fuck do South Africa and The Iraq have more maps than we do? America's number one, so we should be the number one haver of maps. I can't read a goddam map right now and you know why? That's right, I don't have one. Some commie in South Africa's navigating the tip of his index finger through Palo Alto as I try to figure out the fastest route to the closest Long John Silver's without going to Oakland. That's not right.

secret blog

Hello and welcome. I am Mick Aloha, but you may know me as the greatest man on earth. I'm tired of people writing bullshit on their blogs that I don't care about, so I started this blog so I can write about my favorite topic. Me. Why don't I just blog on my personal website (www.mickaloha.com)? Because fuck you, that's why. I'm Mick Aloha. I can do whatever I want. I can say fuck you and your ugly momma and there's nothing you can do about it, unless you like boot in your face.

Well, welcome to the blog.