You're welcome. You're goddam welcome that there was no god damn apocalypse yesterday. That's right, you gave me money and I stopped the rapture. Well, bad news. Just got word...from Iehovah...that the apocalypse rapture ragnarok is coming at the end of summer. So, I guess that makes it the autumnal equinox, but I just like to call it pay day. You know the drill. Send me money or there'll be a rapture. I've stopped it before, I can stop it again.
Now, could you all stop sending me god damned pictures of your wieners? Mick Aloha is as straight as an arrow. Any of you ladies out there, feel free to send me pics. If you're hot, I mean. If you're a dude, I don't care how hot you are. No more pictures.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Rapture: May 31st, 2011
Goddam rapture's coming again. I think I can stop it, but I'll need at least $100,000...Australian. OK, cheap ass U.S. dollars. Send in your money and watch me kick Jesus' ass at the end of May!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Goddam rapture
Goddam rapture's coming in a few hours. Send me all of your money and I promise to stop it. If anyone holds back...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
The birther issue
Everyone's talking about Donald Trump and this birther issue, and Obama has just released his full birth certificate. I'm not convinced, though. Why hasn't he released the back of the thing? Huh? What about the back? Could be a treasure map on the back of there. Obama could be keeping all of that treasure for himself, when it should be I, Mick Aloha, who keeps it for himself. Where's the treasure, Obama? Well, I'm here to tell you the guessing is over. Through means that I cannot discuss, I've obtained the back of Obama's birth certificate. Let there be no doubt; we're in trouble.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Keep your thoughts and prayers to yourself
There's been a lot of tragedy this week, so bad that I won't even joke about trying to profit from it. With this tragedy come plenty of opportunities for people to say "My thoughts and prayers are with " to which I say "Shut the fuck up and keep your thoughts and prayers to yourself." Seriously, I'm goddam sick of this shit. I'm goddam sick of people trying to show how much they care, how much they feel the pain of those who are suffering by just fucking thinking about it. That's not actually doing anything. You're not fucking helping at all. There's no god. There are no miracles. Positive thoughts do not travel through the ether and make everything ok. There's only us, and we have to help each other out when there's trouble. Shit like what's happened this week sucks, but the response, the real response-not your fucking happy thoughts-makes me feel that maybe as a species we're not totally fucked. Sure, we do terrible things to each other, but when we're in trouble people step up. So, if you want to do something, do it, and make sure it's something I can actually see, not some fucking thought experiment. Remember in The Firm when they billed people for time they were just thinking about the case? Same goddam thing. Exactly the same.
That's right, I said it; there's no god. Life is finite. Deal with it. Do you seriously think a god would create the universe and then base acceptance into paradise on belief in that god? Makes no sense at all. It's like me taking a cat, painting it red, sticking it in my closet (next to the hooker), and then telling you I won't pay for dinner unless you believe in my cat. It's exactly goddam like that. Fuck, how can you be so goddam gullible? Thousands of years ago, people believed in gods, and looking back we think "What a bunch of stupid bastards. They believed in that shit?" What will we look like to people thousands of years from now. "Hmm, within a couple of generations they split the atom and started the information age. Oh, and they believed in invisible friends." Fucking hell. Fuck this. I need a goddam drink.
That's right, I said it; there's no god. Life is finite. Deal with it. Do you seriously think a god would create the universe and then base acceptance into paradise on belief in that god? Makes no sense at all. It's like me taking a cat, painting it red, sticking it in my closet (next to the hooker), and then telling you I won't pay for dinner unless you believe in my cat. It's exactly goddam like that. Fuck, how can you be so goddam gullible? Thousands of years ago, people believed in gods, and looking back we think "What a bunch of stupid bastards. They believed in that shit?" What will we look like to people thousands of years from now. "Hmm, within a couple of generations they split the atom and started the information age. Oh, and they believed in invisible friends." Fucking hell. Fuck this. I need a goddam drink.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Computers have already taken over
Did you see that shit on Jeopardy? A goddam computer wiped the floor with two of the biggest nerds they've ever had on there. Scary shit. Too bad the son-of-a-bitch had to use refrigerator-sized servers to do it; I could have done the same goddam thing with just one refrigerator, full of ice cold Coca-Cola.
Everyone's pissing themselves and saying the world is ending because the computers are smarter than we are, and I say fuck it, maybe it is the end of the world and maybe it's time we made out before we become enslaved by goddam robots with goddam mechanical wangs.
With the computer/robot revolution coming, what good is your money? It's probably a burden on you. Let Mick Aloha take your burdens away. Give me your money. Let's go on an escapade.
Now, I'm off to study goddam binary.
Everyone's pissing themselves and saying the world is ending because the computers are smarter than we are, and I say fuck it, maybe it is the end of the world and maybe it's time we made out before we become enslaved by goddam robots with goddam mechanical wangs.
With the computer/robot revolution coming, what good is your money? It's probably a burden on you. Let Mick Aloha take your burdens away. Give me your money. Let's go on an escapade.
Now, I'm off to study goddam binary.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I tip my hat (for you to put money into it)
Hello there, Egypt. I hear you like freedom. Me, too. I love freedom, which to me means the freedom to do what I goddam please and get rich. TJ should have put that in the declaration. Everyone can get rich! But, if everyone's rich, who would I gloat over. Apoc, I guess. That fool would be the only poor person in a river of success and well-being. Here are some other things I love:
ladies (hot)
fries (hot)
hot, of-age girls who work at McDonald's or KFC
KFC
freedom
money
real estate
being correct
knowledge
The Spice Girls
So, Egypt, with all of this freedom, I guess you're going to need a new constitution. Mick Aloha has just the answer for you, and by has I mean 'pay me' and by answer I mean 'wiki.' That's right, by reading this answer you are obligated to pay me. If you don't have dollars, that's ok, I'll take gold, even ol' Tut's gold. I don't believe in curses. Hell, I'll take anything that's cursed or possessed from anyone. Just send it my way and I'll take it if it can be pawned or auctioned. Hell. That's a pretty good business plan. Don't steal it! Unless, that is, you want to open a franchise. UPDATE: I went ahead and got me a website started where people can send me cursed stuff and I can sell it. It's just a splash page, but soon it'll be up and I'll be raking in the jack.
Anyway, Egypt, just to be clear, by reading on you are pretty much agreeing to pay me. OK, ready for the solution to all of your problems? Wiki-tution. That's right, a goddam wiki-constitution. But wait, there's more. You could set it up so that it can only be edited by people in Egypt. Take that, America! Let the power of the crowd lay down the foundation for your free future. Oh, and if you like I can set up the wiki and host it under the Mick Aloha umbrella. Scoot over, Mike's Head Room, there's a new player in town, and this one pays in gold.
ladies (hot)
fries (hot)
hot, of-age girls who work at McDonald's or KFC
KFC
freedom
money
real estate
being correct
knowledge
The Spice Girls
So, Egypt, with all of this freedom, I guess you're going to need a new constitution. Mick Aloha has just the answer for you, and by has I mean 'pay me' and by answer I mean 'wiki.' That's right, by reading this answer you are obligated to pay me. If you don't have dollars, that's ok, I'll take gold, even ol' Tut's gold. I don't believe in curses. Hell, I'll take anything that's cursed or possessed from anyone. Just send it my way and I'll take it if it can be pawned or auctioned. Hell. That's a pretty good business plan. Don't steal it! Unless, that is, you want to open a franchise. UPDATE: I went ahead and got me a website started where people can send me cursed stuff and I can sell it. It's just a splash page, but soon it'll be up and I'll be raking in the jack.
Anyway, Egypt, just to be clear, by reading on you are pretty much agreeing to pay me. OK, ready for the solution to all of your problems? Wiki-tution. That's right, a goddam wiki-constitution. But wait, there's more. You could set it up so that it can only be edited by people in Egypt. Take that, America! Let the power of the crowd lay down the foundation for your free future. Oh, and if you like I can set up the wiki and host it under the Mick Aloha umbrella. Scoot over, Mike's Head Room, there's a new player in town, and this one pays in gold.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
When are these goddam conservatives going to cut their own salaries?
Hooray! The goddam conservatives are in control! That means more fiscal responsibility, which means less of me taking care of poor people. I'm all for it. Mick Aloha works hard to make his money. Why should he share it? Why should lazy assholes take money from Mick Aloha, the man who made it on his goddam own?
I was thinking this new congress might, in a gesture of doing all they can, vote to cut their own salaries. Most of them are goddam rich, anyway. Richer than Mick Aloha, which pisses me off. I did some checking and found that the legislation to do just that was already put forward in this congress...by Gabby Giffords. Yeah, she was shot two days later.
Cut your goddam salaries you goddam assholes. The country's hurting and you rich pricks don't even seem to notice it. Mick Aloha doesn't notice it, either, but Mick Aloha's a self-made man. Mick Aloha rules. Mick Aloha is the greatest man on the face of the earth, including the interior face of the hollow earth. Mick Aloha is better than the mole people. The goddam mole people have probably already cut their own goddam salaries.
So, what can be done? Well, if you're richer than Mick Aloha, you should send me money. If you're poorer than Mick Aloha, then shut the hell up and work harder. Oh, and if you're a hot lady, let's make out. And someone please, please call the Onion and get me a goddam cushy job.
I was thinking this new congress might, in a gesture of doing all they can, vote to cut their own salaries. Most of them are goddam rich, anyway. Richer than Mick Aloha, which pisses me off. I did some checking and found that the legislation to do just that was already put forward in this congress...by Gabby Giffords. Yeah, she was shot two days later.
Cut your goddam salaries you goddam assholes. The country's hurting and you rich pricks don't even seem to notice it. Mick Aloha doesn't notice it, either, but Mick Aloha's a self-made man. Mick Aloha rules. Mick Aloha is the greatest man on the face of the earth, including the interior face of the hollow earth. Mick Aloha is better than the mole people. The goddam mole people have probably already cut their own goddam salaries.
So, what can be done? Well, if you're richer than Mick Aloha, you should send me money. If you're poorer than Mick Aloha, then shut the hell up and work harder. Oh, and if you're a hot lady, let's make out. And someone please, please call the Onion and get me a goddam cushy job.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Area man finds wang
I guess there's a lot of money in fake news. The Onion's raking in the dough, so I thought I'd try a little something out. Consider this my audition for the Onion writing team. Onion, if you don't hire me based on this material, I'll have to start a competing fake news site and out-fake news you. Here are the latest headlines:
Area dog figures it's time to have sex again
Date with hooker going better than expected
Drunk man figures it all out
Area man joins church for the poon
Cat allergic to itself
Hippopotamus angry that no one ever uses its full name
Giraffe joins church for the poon
Trout, father of 289, still missing
Internet bored with itself
Bill Gates' belt cures malaria
Unionized moles refuse to wear helmets
Toys tired of not being taken seriously
Tax documents angry that no one ever plays with them
Area man disappointed by legitimate massage parlor
Area woman finds wang
Area dog figures it's time to have sex again
Date with hooker going better than expected
Drunk man figures it all out
Area man joins church for the poon
Cat allergic to itself
Hippopotamus angry that no one ever uses its full name
Giraffe joins church for the poon
Trout, father of 289, still missing
Internet bored with itself
Bill Gates' belt cures malaria
Unionized moles refuse to wear helmets
Toys tired of not being taken seriously
Tax documents angry that no one ever plays with them
Area man disappointed by legitimate massage parlor
Area woman finds wang
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