Did you like that title? You should have. I made a joke. A Mick Aloha joke. Those are the best jokes. Here's another one for you...
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Give me your money!
That one still gets to me no matter how many times I tell it. Here's another...
Knocker knocker.
Who's there?
Show me your knockers!
Let me tell you about this idea I once had. If you like it, send me a dollar, and by dollar, I mean ten dollars. Twenty. Twenty dollars.
So, my idea was you're at the pool relaxing just minding your own business when you spot a hottie. Now, the hottie is wearing a bikini and laying facedown on one of those pool chairs that lie flat. Another detail is that this hottie has undone the back of her bra...I mean bikini top...so that she can get an even tan on her back. So, my big idea was to go over and grab her ass. Now, I know what you're thinking, let me stop you there. You're thinking "That's such a great idea, why didn't I think of it?" Well, you're right, it is a great idea. You didn't think of it because I'm me and you're not and I rule and you should send me your money. See you in the next paragraph.
All right, so you grab her ass and what happens next? Well, if she's startled, she'll jump up and you'll get the show of your life. The other possibility is that she'll realize the dangers of jumping up quickly and start refastening her bra...I mean bikini top. At that point, you should run. Actually, in either case you should run. Worst case scenario is you get to grab her ass. Best case is ass grab and a show.
I've been thinking about this. Worst case is probably jail, which is a place I don't want to go to. Respect women, you bunch of filthy assholes. Forget I even told you my secret thoughts.
Let's end on a joke. My wiener.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Seth Rogen pushed me into the arms of North Korea
Dear Best Korea,
After years of disagreeing, we can finally agree on something: Seth Rogen sucks donkey big balls. Let's just say when Eeyore sees Seth Rogen rolling up the street, he fucking runs his ass off in the other direction and complains about it the whole time. "Son...of...a...bitch...makes...shit...movies. Guess I'm...going...to...off...myself. So................long." Fucking Eeyore. Anyway, yes, we both hate Seth Rogen. Congratulations, Best Korea, you're now on my level. You're on Mick Aloha's hate level. Player don't hate! (unless you're talking about Seth Rogen) More like Seth Rogaine, am I right? Shit.
Mick Aloha reads the news, and recently he read that North Korea will go to war with the U.S. if the Seth Rogen/James Franco romantic travel comedy about assassinating your leader hits theaters. I think it's called "The Interview", which, if you ask Mick Aloha, is a pretty lame name for a movie. Should be called "Super Assassinate: Part 1." Now, I know you're frustrated, Best Korea. You might not be thinking clearly. I understand. Aloha zones out sometimes, too, and wakes up in a path of mayhem. Pay attention, now. This is important. Let me put it in all caps so you can tell I'm screaming. SETH ROGEN IS A GODDAMNED HIPPY CANADIAN. Both directors of that film are Canadian. Sure, James Franco is American, but no one likes him any more after he tried to tap that underage monkey that learned to talk and text. So, don't get all pissed off at us for something a fucking Canadian did. Blame Canada! Blame fucking Canada.
Also, I have a business proposition. Funny t-shirts. I send you funny t-shirts with crazy English written on them and you send me cold hard cash. None of that fake stuff, either! I heard you like to print your own U.S. currency. I like the way you think, but that shit don't fly with Aloha. Send me money, and I'll send you t-shirts. Oh, and if you have any hotties over there who like disposable income and putting out, let me know.
After years of disagreeing, we can finally agree on something: Seth Rogen sucks donkey big balls. Let's just say when Eeyore sees Seth Rogen rolling up the street, he fucking runs his ass off in the other direction and complains about it the whole time. "Son...of...a...bitch...makes...shit...movies. Guess I'm...going...to...off...myself. So................long." Fucking Eeyore. Anyway, yes, we both hate Seth Rogen. Congratulations, Best Korea, you're now on my level. You're on Mick Aloha's hate level. Player don't hate! (unless you're talking about Seth Rogen) More like Seth Rogaine, am I right? Shit.
Mick Aloha reads the news, and recently he read that North Korea will go to war with the U.S. if the Seth Rogen/James Franco romantic travel comedy about assassinating your leader hits theaters. I think it's called "The Interview", which, if you ask Mick Aloha, is a pretty lame name for a movie. Should be called "Super Assassinate: Part 1." Now, I know you're frustrated, Best Korea. You might not be thinking clearly. I understand. Aloha zones out sometimes, too, and wakes up in a path of mayhem. Pay attention, now. This is important. Let me put it in all caps so you can tell I'm screaming. SETH ROGEN IS A GODDAMNED HIPPY CANADIAN. Both directors of that film are Canadian. Sure, James Franco is American, but no one likes him any more after he tried to tap that underage monkey that learned to talk and text. So, don't get all pissed off at us for something a fucking Canadian did. Blame Canada! Blame fucking Canada.
Also, I have a business proposition. Funny t-shirts. I send you funny t-shirts with crazy English written on them and you send me cold hard cash. None of that fake stuff, either! I heard you like to print your own U.S. currency. I like the way you think, but that shit don't fly with Aloha. Send me money, and I'll send you t-shirts. Oh, and if you have any hotties over there who like disposable income and putting out, let me know.
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