Joe the Plumber sucks

Everyone's talking about Joe the Plumber, but they should be talking about Mick the I.T. Guy. I have needs, too. Why is there so much attention on some rich plumber who already has the good life? Give me the good life, then talk about taxes. What about Mike the Fisherman? How about Apoc the Slacker? What about Slingblade the Blade Slinger? Has anyone considered HHH the Video Game Sales Representative, Student, and Pornographer? Does anyone care about the MMD, the Bollywood Star? How about the Evil King Macrocranios the Evil King? Give us some attention, fools.

Lots of people are talking about the economy, but what they should be talking about is my disposable income. That's what runs the economy. Warren Buffett+Bill Gates=chicken feed. Mick Aloha=important. Instead of following Wall Street, they should be following Mick Street. Did Aloha go to KFC today? Yes. Did he get himself a bucket and mashed potatoes? Correct. Okay then, the market's going up! Buy, buy, buy!

Speaking of donating to Mick Aloha to give me the good life, I know times are hard, but I don't care. Send me money, fools. It's the only way to save yourselves (and me).

Dear Madonna: I'll make out with you, but that's pretty much it

Dear Madonna,

I seen on TV today that you're getting a divorce. I just want to let you know that I'll make out with you, but that's pretty much it. I know you're wondering how you can make out with Mick Aloha and then take it no further, but don't worry. If it starts to go further, I'll run away. See, I'm always looking for escape routes, Madonna, so it won't be a problem.

I don't know what you ever saw in Guy Ritchie, anyway. I seen two of his movies, and I didn't understand a god damn word anyone said. I couldn't even understand Brad Pitt, and he's a god damn American. Speaking of Brad Pitt, he and Angelina "Rode Hard" Aloha like to adopt babies from places no one wants to go, just like you. Maybe you could work your way into that relationship. Maybe they could make you their pet. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. Hmmm, Brangelina. How about Brangelinadonna? Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it, Madonna?

I also don't know what Guy Ritchie ever saw in you. Sure, you're dirty as hell, but that only goes so far. Eventually, you have to talk to each other. I bet your fake British accent drove him crazy. I bet he was all "Gorblimey! This 'ere sheila be trying to speak like a Brit. Pip pip! Tut tut! It's me bloody tea time!"

So, Madonna, take solace in the fact that you can now make out with me. I have to protect #1, and that's me, so nothing below the belt, thank you very much. Pip pip.

My interview with Sarah Palin, dude

Well, it took me nearly a month, but I finally got an exclusive interview with Sarah Palin. Instead of providing full video or audio, I'm instead going to just show snippets of transcript. I don't know why, but that seems to be how the networks roll, dude, and I roll as they roll when it comes to journalism, except I'm awesome and they suck big donkey balls.

MA: Hello, thanks for joining me today.

SP: Thank you, Mick Aloha, you're awesome and I think I might be in love with you.

MA: I seen that, dude. So, please tell everyone your name, Sarah Palin.

SP: What do you mean, Mick?

MA: I mean, what's your name?

SP: Ah, name. Well, Mick, that's a very good question. Names are very important. Heck, hockey moms have to use names just like big wigs down in Washington. Shoot, when Vladamir Putin starts rearing his ugly head, no one's going to say "Hey, look at that giant head that belongs to the guy that we have no word to identify," oh, heck no, they're going to use his name. There are lots of names. George. That's a name. Fred. Louise. Louisa.

MA: Okay, but what's your name, Sarah Palin?

SP: Name? Well, let me tell you, as governor of Alaska, the great state of Alaska, there's an important, and very big and large, yes, there's a very large and enormous responsibility to use names.

MA: Goddam it. You use too many adjectives. Whenever someone asks you a question, you just spit out adjectives.

SP: That a very big, nasty lie.

MA: So, what's your favorite color?

SP: What do you mean?

MA: I mean choose a color.

SP: Oh, heck, I like all of them. I'd have to say all of them. You know, I'm just a regular old hockey mom from the great state of Alaska.

MA: Regular? I heard you're a millionaire.

SP: Oh, well, that's, you know, there, that's, uh, well, see, hockey mom, you know, there, executive.

MA: What makes you think you have the experience to be president?

SP: Yes, definitely.

MA: Damn it, it's not a yes/no question.

SP: Correct.

MA: Damn you, Palin. Now, you're using my line against me.

SP: Correct.

MA: What TV shows do you like?

SP: All of them.

MA: What's your favorite food?

SP: All of them.

MA: In detail, please tell me what you ate for breakfast this morning.

SP: Lots of things.

I had to walk out on my own interview there. I came back, though, and the rest of the interview is in safe keeping until I'm given the good life, just like Sarah Palin.