I blame Hawaii

Edward Snowden had a cushy job in Hawaii with a stripper girlfriend and decided to leak secrets about the NSA spying on everyone because...well, I'm not really sure why he did it. I guess he thought everyone should know what the government was doing. Here's what Mick Aloha thinks. Why would you give that up? He was making more money than Mick Aloha makes. That's crazy! Mick Aloha's goddamned rich. He had a stripper girlfriend. Now, Mick Aloha's had plenty of strippers...dance for him for money. So, why would he really give this all up? I blame Hawaii. He was probably banging his stripper girlfriend one night, watching the sun set over a volcano, and realized "This place is goddamned boring. I'd better leak some secrets, head my ass on over to Hong Kong, hang out in the Moscow airport for a month, and then hang out in goddamned Russia for the rest of my life. Only Hawaii could drive someone to go to Russia. Now, I'm wondering about his stripper girlfriend. I'm worried about her. Does this mean she's now single? Mick Aloha has plenty of disposable income...in ones. Got plenty of ones, girl! Come on up to Boston!

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With all of this talk of equality, Mick Aloha's been thinking a lot lately about his favorite thing. Inequality. As in, I have more than you do. That's a goddamned fine idea, this inequality. It allows me to live the good life while you're toiling away like a goddamned drone. Speaking of drones, don't drone me, bro. When I see all of this drone business on the news, it just makes me think I need to get in on this business. I could make some goddamned drones and sell them. That's where the money is. Now, don't you do it, too. I don't need competition bringing prices down. The name I wanted...Predator...is already taken, so I might have to call mine the Carl Weathers Drone. Sombitch sucker punches you and then...goddamn it, I have a brilliant idea. Use drones to rob people. Goddamn it, that's brilliant. Gotta get me a drone. If I could get me a drone with legs I could rob houses. I could rob goddamn gay weddings. Get married all you want! Just make sure your weddings are elaborate. Speaking of sending me your money, send me your money.