You say "appendectomy." I say "weight loss program."

So, I had my appendix taken out this week. Everyone made a big deal about it, but really it's nothing. It's just getting rid of my weakest part. The old appendix must have been what was holding me back.

My appendectomy has gotten me to thinking. What else is there inside me that I don't need? At first, they told me they thought it was my gall bladder that was making my stomach hurt. If it was, I think they would have just taken it out. People can live without gall bladders, so why do I still have mine? I knew a guy in elementary school who had a 4-wheeler accident and lost his spleen. He seems to still be doing all right. It seems like there's all kinds of extra crap in there that I don't need. All you religious believers out there will need to explain this to me. Why would God build people with so much extra crap? And, why did he shortchange me down below? For that matter, why did evolution shortchange me? Everyone's shortchanging me, when they need to be longchanging me. They need to be longchanging me and longbilling me. Giving me bills, like 100's, not sending me bills, like utilities. I get enough of those.

What else should I have removed? What do you think? I'll both listen to and respect your opinions, as long as the cash comes in. No cash, no listen.

I was so impressed with myself I thought I'd mention it

On the most recent episode of the Moon Masters, I talked about how great I am and how impressed I am by my own writing. I have to say I agree. I am great. I'm the greatest man who ever lived, and I've gotten some recognition from the one person whose opinion I trust and care about: me. Sometimes, I sit around on my pile of disposable income, watching me some TV, eating chicken out of a bucket, and thinking about how great I am. So, we all know who the greatest person is. Now, who's the best nation? Donation. That's right. You see the link, fools. This fine content doesn't come free. I deserve the good life and you can make it happen.

New group of hippies found

I just read about a new tribe that was found in the Amazon that they think has had no contact with the outside world. You can read about it here. I don't really care about indigenous people, unless they're sending me money (or should I say tribute), but what caught my attention was that they live in communal huts. Communal? Sounds like someone I know. Come on, Dowell. You're all against civilization and capitalism, this sounds like the perfect hippy place for you. Maybe you and those naked savages can sit around all day and talk about how much you love sharing. Hell, I'll buy you the ticket if you want to go down there.

There's something wrong with that article. Those pictures they have of the natives were taken from an airplane. The natives are aiming their bows at the plane, so they must have seen it. So, I'm thinking they've had at least some contact with the outside world, namely that they've seen a big assed plane flying around. Myself, I don't believe this story one bit. It looks like something from that movie with that guy from Jaws. Speaking of Jaws, a hamburger's sounding pretty good right about now.

Where's my money?

My birthday was yesterday. It was a fine opportunity for you to send me money, just to push me closer to the good life on my birthday. I haven't gotten any money at all from you fools. Stop holding out. I know you have money. I see you driving around in your hybrids. Sell that hybrid, get a Ford, and send me the difference. That's all I'm asking for here. The difference. That's all I need. Hmm, I should put that on a t-shirt. I'll have to do it before Jake steals the idea and I have to sue him. Come on, somebody let me sue you on my birthday. Do something stupid that I can sue you for. Slander me. Libel me. Punch me in the mouth. (but expect to meet the Big Boot afterward) "Oh, I'll sue the Big Boot." No, you won't. The Big Boot doesn't go to court. The Big Boot is not bound by your laws.

I'm sure some of you were thinking about sending me cards, but I don't want them. Cards are useless. Money's good. Some of you may have even been thinking about sending me an e-card. You might as well go take a dump on my car. It means about the same to me. Currency is all that will suffice, and 20's, 50's, and 100's are all that's sufficient. If you were thinking about sending a cake, know this: I don't want it. Take that cake money and send it to me. If you have a birthday coming up, send me that cake money, too. You probably don't need any cake, anyway.

Why doesn't everyone just speak English?

I've been watching lots of anime and reading lots of manga recently. It got me to thinking a bit. Why doesn't everybody just speak English? If everyone just spoke English, then I wouldn't need subtitles. And, if everyone spoke English, then I could ask more people for donations, and the good life would be right in reach. Seriously, I need money. Money's the international language for allowing me to live the good life. I don't want to have to learn the Japanese for "Hey, brother, can you spare a wad of cash so I can live the good life?" So Mick Aloha's advice, and you know you want to take it, is if you hear someone speaking some heathen language, just step up and say, "Hey, buddy, speak English. It's okay. And, send Mick Aloha money. The end."

Over at the Moon Masters site, another place where you can donate, someone was saying that I don't talk about gin sours on this blog. I don't talk about air, either, but I still breathe it. You haven't seen me write word one over here about dead hookers, but if you looked in my trunk you'd...well, let's just say I drink gin sours like water and water like Coca Cola. Hmmm, a coke's sounding pretty good about now. Some fries wouldn't be too bad, either.

Send me money.

Thank you, and good day.

The Church of Mick Aloha

The word is spreading.

Mick Aloha: Land Tycoon

I'm thinking of picking up some real estate. I have enough disposable income for it, and I think now's as good a time as any to go ahead with the plan. I'm thinking about land in Kentucky and in California. It's a lot cheaper in Kentucky, but it's a lot closer in California. Why land, you might be asking. Well, some people say God's not making any more of it, but I don't believe in any gods or anyone who could make more of it, so there you go. Other atheists out there should be buying land, too. Also, atheists should send me money, so I can live the good life. You'll be blessed if you do. Actually, everyone should send me money, no matter how gullible you are. I need money.