When are these goddam conservatives going to cut their own salaries?

Hooray! The goddam conservatives are in control! That means more fiscal responsibility, which means less of me taking care of poor people. I'm all for it. Mick Aloha works hard to make his money. Why should he share it? Why should lazy assholes take money from Mick Aloha, the man who made it on his goddam own?

I was thinking this new congress might, in a gesture of doing all they can, vote to cut their own salaries. Most of them are goddam rich, anyway. Richer than Mick Aloha, which pisses me off. I did some checking and found that the legislation to do just that was already put forward in this congress...by Gabby Giffords. Yeah, she was shot two days later.

Cut your goddam salaries you goddam assholes. The country's hurting and you rich pricks don't even seem to notice it. Mick Aloha doesn't notice it, either, but Mick Aloha's a self-made man. Mick Aloha rules. Mick Aloha is the greatest man on the face of the earth, including the interior face of the hollow earth. Mick Aloha is better than the mole people. The goddam mole people have probably already cut their own goddam salaries.

So, what can be done? Well, if you're richer than Mick Aloha, you should send me money. If you're poorer than Mick Aloha, then shut the hell up and work harder. Oh, and if you're a hot lady, let's make out. And someone please, please call the Onion and get me a goddam cushy job.